DESPONDENCY

“It is a growing hunger,

The urge to cut beyond the surface,

The need to see a fresh splatter of my red within,

To watch it flow till I have no more,

Or to watch it flow till my lids quench from deprivation.

It is a growing hunger,

To turn off the light that is me,

To say parting words “I am sorry, I tried my best”

The need to give it up and end it all,

To wish upon my last breath.

It is a growing hunger,

One I try satisfying with little snippets of sense,

The voice of a loved one, The laughter of a child,

Standing by the mirror saying words of affirmation,

Hoping it bids away the darkness.

It is a growing hunger,

An all-consuming thought,

Makes me want to scratch my insides out,

I am exhausted,

And my last thought would be; what right do I have?”

–        The Blackscribbler

This topic is quite sensitive, statistics show that every 40 seconds someone dies due to suicide. 10th of September was world suicide prevention day, and I had this whole thing planned with an unknown publication date, so I decided to fast track. I have once upon a time sincerely sat down to consider or try to put myself in the mindset of those who contemplate suicide. (please don’t ask why, me sef I nor know) and as a result I have over 20 poems on suicide and death (just like the one above). It got to the point where I considered every method possible; pros and cons and I can sincerely say that there is a certain “appeal” to the concept of ending it all.

At a point where nothing seems to be going well for you or everything seems good but there is gnawing emptiness within or there is a big question mark of what the heck it is you are doing on earth, for some there is a persistent cloud of darkness, pain and sorrow that seems trained on you, the reasons are numerous as to why one would desire to take their lives.

And for me that is okay, now before you get put off, I believe it is okay to feel however you feel, you own your emotions and it is sincerely easier to focus on the negatives and to wallow and to feel pushed under, it is easier to go down a hill than it is to climb one. You own your feelings and emotions and you should accept them and deal with them.

The problem is never the feeling of wanting to give up; everyone has been there at some point, the issue is accepting that you feel that way because you can only sincerely deal with that emotion if you are able to pin point it, accept it and be ready to deal with the causes. We all do not have the same strengths and capacity, there is nothing wrong with you struggling.

There is always someone to talk to. Research shows it is easier to talk to a stranger than someone close to you because there is lesser pressure and the feeling of being judged minimally. There is nothing wrong with seeking help to get through tough times. People will try to “help” and offer “opinions and points of view” but you need to understand that this is your life not theirs.

You are the most important person under the sun.

You matter.

You are loved and cherished.

You are important.

It might not seem like it, but think about those who sincerely love you and what your loss would do to them, you still being able to breathe counts for something.

And to the world: stop shaming people for their feelings, they have enough hurt and internal turmoil, so there is no need to add to it, keep the sarcastic, demeaning, “tough love”, comments to yourself. If you do not have anything helpful to say or do, then walk away or find someone who can help.

So to you who feels the weight of the world bearing down those shoulders of yours, and to you who feels empty, to you who hasn’t smiled in ages, to you who feels worthless and defeated, it is okay, to feel that way, but remember that you are a light so bright, a smile so beautiful, a hand so helpful, a foot of leadership, you my darling are special and beyond that feeling of defeat and pain and sorrow, if you push just a little more, it gets better so hang in there.

Here is an online counselling service: https://www.betterhelp.com/

P.S the models in these photos are safe; mind and body, no one was hurt in the process of capturing these scenes.

STAY SHINING LOVELIES, AND REMEMBER YOU ARE LOVED.