THE CHAOTIC MUSINGS OF A FRACTURED MIND
When I think back to the best moments of my life, I find myself in the times where I was satisfied being me, times where I felt wholesome and proud of myself. And when I put those moments up, side by side my life now, I feel a sickening disappointment in the depth of my soul.
We are sold this pipe dream of “being yourself” and “loving yourself” but it comes with a side dish of “terms and conditions” we never read but agree to. You know the ones that say; “well you can be yourself as long as it is approved and understood by the board of societal norms”, “be happy but not too much”, “be sad but not too much”,” love your passion but be realistic about it and be willing to shove it aside at a moment’s notice”. And it goes on.
When all is said and done, you are left with a pretentious presentation of a half-cooked piece of salmon with two sticks of lentils by the side that would barely satisfy a child. And so, the starvation and emptiness begin.
The question “what is life truly about?” bugs me so much. What is the point of life? What is my purpose? I haven’t felt this emptiness in a while because the world has been distracting, I had places to be and things to get done, and now when I am left with myself, I have no idea what to do with this shell that once was me.
I have gradually become a shell of myself, a robotic disgusting shell, fake smiles, a stereotypical pretentious millennial who smiles and laughs in the face of the camera, but at night my pillows are left drenched with the outpour of confusion and chaos my mind holds.
I cannot say I am passionate about anything at this moment. I cannot even be bothered to try or give anything my best because nothing makes my heart beat. Maybe it is not so much nothing makes my heart beat as it is, I have lost passion for myself.
Why does life have to be so tedious and stressful? My head is swarming with more questions than answers “what are you good at?” “What makes you happy?” “what are your goals?” “where do you want to be in a couple of years?” “why can’t you be like them?” “Why are you like this?” “What is wrong with you?” “why can’t you love me?”
I really do not have any positive note to leave behind, no ray of sunshine, no tips to make your life better because we cannot give what we do not have. I have gone down the rabbit hole where I care so much more about how I am perceived and how much I am liked than I do how I feel about myself or if I like myself.
It is so heartbreaking to wake up each day and not feel proud of yourself, to feel a constant shame and disappointment at how much you are letting yourself go. The moment you realize you would rather distract yourself and pass time rather than spend time with yourself is the moment you need to hit pause and ask yourself what is up. Imagine that; running from yourself.
I am fine and dandy, or at least I will be the moment I can answer the question “what do you want?”, technically I know what I want (to be passionate about myself) the real issue is in finding out how to go about this.
I feel so old and frail because I have lost my spark, I miss me, I miss the me that had her own opinions, the me that was free to play with words and create magic, the me that had a special touch, now I just feel like another.
There really is no point to this piece, maybe there is, who knows.
I do not want to be 70 and wish I lived.
The need to be successful and notable has me trying to be everyone I admire without being anyone. How do you know how to be yourself? You know what I think is so funny, the fact that a lot of youngsters try so hard to be old real fast. And I am guessing when we eventually get old, we would wish we were young again.
Yea I know it gets better, we eventually figure it out, it eventually makes sense, things will finally align and there will be an aha moment, where all the confusion and chaos and tears will pay off, till then, this is where I am at.
Now I think I have a point to this.
It is so easy to look at others and wish to be them, we all have our struggles, we all have pain. You are not alone in whatever you are going through. Our struggles may not be the same but know that there is nothing wrong with you for feeling however you might be feeling.
I am very certain it gets better, even if it seems like there is no end in sight, remember that every night breaks for dawn, every storm eventually calms. Keep moving, keep keeping on.
You are loved.
Why not come back with a soul-baring piece. This is a piece I wrote on a night I couldn\’t ignore my mind. Enjoy. Leave a comment down below on your thought on the piece, advice you may have, or perhaps you want to share your side of this story, you are welcome.