YES I AM FAT AND BEAUTIFUL IN LAYERS

TO ALL WHO KEEP FAT SHAMING,

YES I AM FAT! AND BOY DO I KNOW IT!

I forgive you, my then thirteen-year-old friends who called me “stuffed bear”; though each time I was called “stuffed bear”, I mentally shrunk; too bad that couldn’t happen physically,

You who laughed at my tummy rolls and the stretches and cellulites that graced my skin as evidence of the excesses it covered,

The lady walking by who so graciously likened me; an utter stranger to a pig; “uh, that girl is just like a fat pig”.

The boy who crushed my heart in pieces when he told me fat people disgust him,

My cousins who gave me unsolicited advice on my diet and exercise; because they were ashamed to be associated with someone so large,

The friends who laughed at me in my absence; telling others how she gets so stressed encouraging me to lose some of that fat,

My parents who watched me grow this big, and didn’t do anything till it was too late, telling me I was beautiful and perfect (such lies and false hopes),

The sales girl whose eyes and words were filled with mockery as she said, “do not bother looking around, we do not cater for sizes above 14 here”

Those who laughed at me when I fell down the stairs and called me a “hurricane”; six years later I still hear the laughter like music, and wear the fear of falling like a badge of honor,

The lady at the gym who told me “you are a lost case, just go home and die fat”

The lecturer who asked me “what were you doing while you got this fat”,

The student who keeps fat shaming,

The church brother who invited all but me to his pool party; a swimsuit on this body would be a site for sore eyes,

The dance instructor who politely declined me as a student because I had too much flesh to move,

The aunt who told me I would never find a husband till I lose some weight; no man wants a woman he can’t lift off the floor,

The boy who said I should pay him to take my virginity; I mean a fat girl like me would probably die a virgin; he wanted to do me a favor, The doctor who accused me of wanting to kill myself,

I forgive you, not because you deserve it, but for the fact that I too have hated myself long before you had the chance to do so.

To read my first post on the series #beYOUtiful; https://theblackscribbler.com/beautiful/

For the longest time I could not bear to look myself in the mirror, because the image staring back at me broke my heart, I hated this body I had so “graciously” been stuck in, I needed to get out of it. Most nights I watch my body choke me while I watch with tear in my eyes; till I wake to call it a dream, one I sometimes wish could happen already.

So vividly remembering how I starved myself, no matter how hungry I got, the slogan was always;

MIND OVER BODY

Till my body broke down, my heart, lungs, and stomach wall too exhausted to bear the burnt off my frustration,

That wasn’t enough to deter me from spiraling down the tunnels of depression. As I locked myself indoor for six months wanting to spare the world the sight of one less fat girl.

But I forgive myself, for thinking I was a mistake, for not loving me enough to want to live, for realizing early enough that I am more than my stretch marks and cellulite,

I am not my body, it is just a casing/packaging for everything I truly am,

This fat stuffed bear who falls and causes the earth to vibrate like the coming of a hurricane is a beautiful, smart, well read, epically designed, wonderfully made Woman who is beyond the ignorant comments of the fellow next door,

I have heard enough about how you perceive me, you lack respect for what intelligence I possess simply because I am not a size six, and guess what; it doesn’t reduce me, (literally and figuratively),

I am sexy in layers, hard to miss in the crowd, a pretty face to match this amazing body,

And for all who in the future will try their best to pull me down, do not forget; I weigh a hundred and fifty kilograms, you would need the strength of Samson.